Friday, August 26, 2011


영화를 볼 때 면 난 깜짝 놀래야 해 너와 밥을 먹을 때 난 항상 남겨야 해
슬프지 않아도 눈물을 흘려야 해 이런 내 마음을 너는 알고 있는지

물 한잔 마시고 난 취한 척 해야 해 아무리 힘들어도 항상 웃어야 해
배가 나와 보일까 봐 긴장해야 돼 이런 내 마음을 너는 알고 있는지

* 난 너만 사랑하는 가식걸이야 난 너만 바라보는 가식걸이야
I need you boy 이렇게 너 만을 사랑하는데
난 조마 조마 조마해 니가 떠날까봐
난 불안 불안 불안해 시간이 흐를수록 나의 맘이 나의 맘이
너만을 생각하는 가식걸

난 항상 귀찮아도 매일 화장을 하고 난 다리가 아파도 굽 높은 하이힐 신고
너에게 잘 보이려고 예쁜 옷 입고 이런 내 마음을 니가 알기나 해

잘생긴 남자를 봐도 니가 최고라 하고 전화로 수다 떨다 너 때문에 빨리 끊고
혹시나 집에 올까 봐 청소를 하고 이렇게 힘든 내 맘 니가 알기나 해

난 너만 사랑하는 가식걸이야 난 너만 바라보는 가식걸이야
I need you boy 이렇게 너 만을 사랑하는데
난 조마 조마 조마해 니가 떠날까봐
난 불안 불안 불안해 시간이 흐를수록 나의 맘이 나의 맘이
너만을 생각하는 가식걸

Rap ] 겉으론 웃지만 속으로는 울고 있는 나 너의 눈길을 한 없이 끝 없이 기다리는 나
화가 나 가식적인 내 모습을 볼때 마다 왜 난 니 앞에만 서면 작아지는 걸까 왜일까
I don't know why

난 너만 사랑하는 가식걸이야 난 너만 바라보는 가식걸이야
I need you boy I care about you so much . You're so special to me, I luv you boy!
난 조마 조마 조마해 니가 떠날까봐
난 불안 불안 불안해 시간이 흐를수록 나의 맘이
너만을 생각하는 가식걸

Friday, August 19, 2011

You know what I realized...
When I'm on citralopram my blogger posts become very concise haha

Yesterday was a very, very heartwarmingly good day
And to end the night at a coffee shop with good people and the boyfriend
hahaha sigh
God's grace
truly perfect

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

have some guts
someone infatuates me
i want to infatuate someone
but.. i'm so pathetic
i mean
i mean
just look inside my head
its just
i mean why do i insist on being so normal? 
i want to infatuate, too
but you don't like standing out
you feel awkward, small, foolish

i feel like everytime i go on citralopram and let loose again and socialize and have fun
i look completely cheap, like i don't know the meaning of sitting down and reflecting on my life thus far or what not
and so i want to step back, retreat into my haven of a few close companions, lots of time alone to brood and feed off of photography and art and fashion and literature, to tell the world hey look, i'm not some hollow, shallow party girl. i have interests, i think. to be that shy, mysterious girl once again
so i do step back, but sober, i feel awkward again. i take a look at the "normal," "undepressed," "nonanxious," "social" people perfectly normally socializing around me and i stab myself for letting the citralopram leave my bloodstream without a trace.

what the fuck is wrong with me, seriously?

what is not wrong with me

i should just start with getting down to 45kg
is there anyone more pathetic than i am
왜 자꾸 비교가되지?
내 머리속에 뭐가있길래, 딴사람들이날어떡해 받아들을까 생각밖에않하고
딴사람들이 뭐라그러면 어때
맘에 않들면 어쩔껀대
왜 현제 상태론 만족이 절되 않되는거지

what would you do if you weren't afraid

god.. pep talk... so cheesy, i'm sorry. go ahead, slap me

한국에오니 눈치보이는게 더많아젔내
내가 누굴위해살아? 
딴사람들의 행복이 아니라 하나님이야, 아가씨

Monday, August 15, 2011

like a star- corinne bailey rae

i dont mean to sound melodramatic
i feel so hollow lately haha

with or without alcohol and cigarettes, i remain the same shell from freshman year 
so, i guess my aimless, endless drinking was not the culprit after all
what is it

i know my happiness shouldn't depend on boys or relationships, 
and God's love is more than enough for me 
at least,
in theory 
i can't help but admit they're two separate kinds of love

good things come to those to wait... right?

Sunday, August 7, 2011

my head aches...I'm tired...unmotivated

what a joke
my life i mean
no my self
no my life in its entirety
my personality, my body, my disgusting face, my pathetic self-victimization

i need alcohol stat
alcohol and lots of cigarettes

no i need god
no i should just shut up
I need to go on citalopram again
And I know I shall never live without it
Anxiety disorder, oh you